My intent each day this week was to update the blog. Monday and Tuesday were full of appointments so it didn’t happen. I began Wednesday with a breakfast meeting with a group of wonderful women. We met to evaluate the January Retreat and discuss plans for our quarterly breakfast in April. I had other commitments and errands after the meeting so I was out until I went to dinner and responsibilities at church that evening.
By the time choir and ensemble rehearsals came about, I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what I was dealing with. When I got home I was having very hard chills so I wrapped up in a blanket and sipped on decaf coffee just trying to get warm. During the night I almost seemed delirious but could not wake up enough to take my temperature. I went to the doctor for my usual Thursday labwork. They took one look at me and sent me for a chest X-ray. They said if there was any sign of pneumonia I would have to go in the hospital. Got the picture? It is Thursday and the ensemble I sing with is scheduled to sing Sunday morning. That combination has resulted in a hospital stay every time. As I sat waiting for the chest X-ray I remembered what I said to the ensemble members Wednesday night, “Pray for me, but God already knows what is going to happen Sunday and He is in control.” I take such comfort knowing that what ever happens He allows it and will work it for the best in my life and the life of others.
I am grateful that it was only bronchitis and not pneumonia. I spent the morning at the doctor’s office getting IV antibiotics. I had a book to read and material to work on, but for the first time in a long time I just pushed back and rested during the infusion. Afterwards I ran several errands, went home for a late lunch, leaned back in a recliner and “vegetated” for a couple of hours, and then began work on our income tax return (one of my least favorite things in the whole world). As daylight was passing I looked outside and felt sad that I had not taken the time to praise God for an absolutely gorgeous day. I know He understood, but I wanted to thank and praise Him as images of the beautiful day and His care of me came to my mind.
Friday morning it was back to the doctor’s office for labwork and more IV antibiotics. They were concerned that my blood counts had dropped significantly from the day before so I received shots and was sent home with several prescriptions to help me through the weekend. They felt part of the reason I contracted the illness was the low blood counts the previous weekend. The shot I received on Monday was evidently too late.
I am definitely better today and am trying to complete some things before leaving for Little Rock early Monday morning. I will be in testing out there all day Tuesday. The only painful test, and the most important one, is the bone marrow biopsy. This will be the 28th or 29th biopsy since my diagnosis in 1999. Wednesday is reserved for any tests or labwork generated by Tuesday’s tests. I am scheduled to see the doctor at noon on Thursday for evaluation and the treatment plan. Our daughter-in-law, Tina, and our 20 month old grandson, Lachlan, will accompany me on this trip. We are looking forward to some extended time together. I am excited to get this time with them. I will also see people who have become friends over the last nine years. Little Rock trips always have many positives in the midst of the tests and concerns.
During the IV antibiotic infusion at the doctor’s office on Friday, I read and looked over a list of some of the books I read during those first couple of years of illness. What jumped out at me was that most of them were about prayer. God definitely was guiding my reading. There is no better discipline to help us keep a proper perspective in life. The writers of the books I read helped inspire me by their writing and their example. Paul wrote, “Join others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you” (Philippians 3:17). And, “You became imitators of us and of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia. The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere” (I Thessalonians 1:6-8a). The writers of the books I read helped to guide my focus and enable me to write things like this in a journal, “Father, Help me follow your plan completely. I don’t want to miss my relationship with You or anything You may want to do through me. . . As I travel to Arkansas and to and from places here in Gainesville, please help me be sensitive to needs around me and use me to help meet those needs. You are so good to me! Thank You” (5/12-13/2000). As Paul reminds us, we are examples to others. How does our life encourage them to live?
Here are four of those books. I will share more at another time:
• Power in Praise by M.R. Carothers. He defines praise, gives practical uses of praise, extols the good things as a result of praise, and shares many illustrations of miracles brought about by praise.
• Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home by R.J. Foster. He speaks of prayer inward to Jesus as Savior and Teacher, upward to the Father as sovereign King and Eternal love, and outward to the Holy Spirit as Empowerer and Evangelist. We catch a glimpse of the heart of God and the “at homeness” we can feel in His presence.
• The Great House of God by M. Lucado. He uses the analogy of rooms in a house to teach principles from the Lord’s Prayer. Examples include the living room (when your heart needs a Father), the study (how God reveals His will), the furnace (because someone prayed), the roof (beneath God’s grace), and others. “’Then why,’ you might ask, ‘don’t more people feel protected, forgiven, or instructed?’ My answer is as simple as the question is direct. Most have not learned to dwell in the house. Oh, we visit it. We stop in for the day or even drop by for a meal. But abide here? This is God’s desire” (p. 173).
• Whole Prayer by W. Wangerin. This book deals with four important aspects of prayer: we speak, God listens, God speaks, and we listen. He gives practical ways to expand each of these areas. I think we often get stuck in the first area.
I will post an update when I return from Little Rock. I go with confidence and encouragement because of your prayers and the knowledge that God is in control regardless of results.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine’s Day! In the midst of very busy lives, Gary and I decided what we wanted for Valentine’s Day was just to be at home with each other. We spent the morning finishing preparations for preaching and teaching tomorrow and then just enjoyed being together in the afternoon and evening. He is my very special Valentine.
The last ten days have continued to be good in regard to the heart. I have continued to have energy that has enabled me to participate in more things and play more with grandchildren when I am keeping them. I have been dealing with some digestive issues since the first week in December, but that took a back seat to all the issues with the heart. Doctors are now addressing that but feel it is a result of all the medications I take. The comment of the digestive disease specialist after looking over the list of medications was that he was surprised I did not have more problems. I agree and though uncomfortable it is a livable situation. I am grateful that side effects are as little as they are. I sent blood work to Little Rock again this week but have not heard the results yet. I am sure the markers continue to be stable or decreasing.
I was asked this week if I would share some of the books and other things that helped me during that first year when I was diagnosed, had a lot of high dose chemotherapy, and had two stem cell transplants. I cannot begin to address every thing but will share some over the next few weeks as I write on the blog. I feel one of the most important things about any severe or terminal medical diagnosis is that we do not blame God. We live in a fallen world and disease is part of it. We also must not demand that He heal us. He sacrificed His Son for us so He understands loss. If He chooses not to step in and perform a miracle we need to accept His will and realize we cannot understand why. We do not have His perspective and we do not know what is best. If He always heals then no one would ever die. At what age are we willing to let our loved ones go? We can’t live forever on this earth.
I was asked if I was mad at God and my response was “certainly not.” Do we just love Him when we perceive He is good to us? What kind of love is that? As I said to our son John on my 50th birthday, “If I died tomorrow, God has blessed me with a wonderful life. I could not ask for more.” The next month I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. My statement to John remained true.
What are some ways I dealt with those early months and years? First, I spent more time in prayer than ever before—not prayer for healing, but prayer focused on Him, His will, and others. I stayed focused on Him. The Psalms and many other scriptures became very important to me. One scripture was Deuteronomy 33:27, “The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms.” During hard times and painful testing I simply “crawled up into the lap of God, felt His arms around me and rested in Him”—just like I did with my grandfather when I was a child. To help me stay focused on Him I read a lot of praise scriptures and books that friends gave me. One of the first books I read was Phillip Yancey’s, Where Is God When It Hurts. I read it mainly to be able to better help people who were struggling with my illness, their own illness, or the illness of a loved one. I have recommended it many times since to those struggling in this area.
Another one of the books I read was 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers. In this book Myers takes scriptures and weaves them into prayers of thanksgiving and praise and gives you the scripture references. She states part of her purpose in the book, “meets you where you are in the midst of your pain and turmoil and enables you to see these things from a perspective that is true.” I have read it many times over the last nine years. Another book given to me was And I know He Watches Me by Sandy Lynam Clough. She records part of her struggle as an artist who loses her sight. She listed many scriptures that I found very uplifting and helpful. She also expressed some things in ways that helped me understand some of my own feelings. For example, her simple statement of waking up one morning and realizing that we often talk about when things get back to normal but, “I had arrived at a new ‘normal.’ My ‘normal’ had changed. It would change again and maybe again. But ‘normal’ now is the new situation I find myself in—circumstances I am powerless to change.” Realizations like that help focus us on the present and future instead of wasting energy wishing for the past that is forever gone. Life is different. That does not mean it is bad. I have awakened to many new “normals” these last few years, but God has been right there in each of them enabling me to live with joy and anticipation.
I will share other books with you in the future. As we read in Philippians 4:8-9, it really is important what we focus our thoughts on—they control what we feel and who we become. As we focus on Him and His Word, we become more like Him.
The last ten days have continued to be good in regard to the heart. I have continued to have energy that has enabled me to participate in more things and play more with grandchildren when I am keeping them. I have been dealing with some digestive issues since the first week in December, but that took a back seat to all the issues with the heart. Doctors are now addressing that but feel it is a result of all the medications I take. The comment of the digestive disease specialist after looking over the list of medications was that he was surprised I did not have more problems. I agree and though uncomfortable it is a livable situation. I am grateful that side effects are as little as they are. I sent blood work to Little Rock again this week but have not heard the results yet. I am sure the markers continue to be stable or decreasing.
I was asked this week if I would share some of the books and other things that helped me during that first year when I was diagnosed, had a lot of high dose chemotherapy, and had two stem cell transplants. I cannot begin to address every thing but will share some over the next few weeks as I write on the blog. I feel one of the most important things about any severe or terminal medical diagnosis is that we do not blame God. We live in a fallen world and disease is part of it. We also must not demand that He heal us. He sacrificed His Son for us so He understands loss. If He chooses not to step in and perform a miracle we need to accept His will and realize we cannot understand why. We do not have His perspective and we do not know what is best. If He always heals then no one would ever die. At what age are we willing to let our loved ones go? We can’t live forever on this earth.
I was asked if I was mad at God and my response was “certainly not.” Do we just love Him when we perceive He is good to us? What kind of love is that? As I said to our son John on my 50th birthday, “If I died tomorrow, God has blessed me with a wonderful life. I could not ask for more.” The next month I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. My statement to John remained true.
What are some ways I dealt with those early months and years? First, I spent more time in prayer than ever before—not prayer for healing, but prayer focused on Him, His will, and others. I stayed focused on Him. The Psalms and many other scriptures became very important to me. One scripture was Deuteronomy 33:27, “The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms.” During hard times and painful testing I simply “crawled up into the lap of God, felt His arms around me and rested in Him”—just like I did with my grandfather when I was a child. To help me stay focused on Him I read a lot of praise scriptures and books that friends gave me. One of the first books I read was Phillip Yancey’s, Where Is God When It Hurts. I read it mainly to be able to better help people who were struggling with my illness, their own illness, or the illness of a loved one. I have recommended it many times since to those struggling in this area.
Another one of the books I read was 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers. In this book Myers takes scriptures and weaves them into prayers of thanksgiving and praise and gives you the scripture references. She states part of her purpose in the book, “meets you where you are in the midst of your pain and turmoil and enables you to see these things from a perspective that is true.” I have read it many times over the last nine years. Another book given to me was And I know He Watches Me by Sandy Lynam Clough. She records part of her struggle as an artist who loses her sight. She listed many scriptures that I found very uplifting and helpful. She also expressed some things in ways that helped me understand some of my own feelings. For example, her simple statement of waking up one morning and realizing that we often talk about when things get back to normal but, “I had arrived at a new ‘normal.’ My ‘normal’ had changed. It would change again and maybe again. But ‘normal’ now is the new situation I find myself in—circumstances I am powerless to change.” Realizations like that help focus us on the present and future instead of wasting energy wishing for the past that is forever gone. Life is different. That does not mean it is bad. I have awakened to many new “normals” these last few years, but God has been right there in each of them enabling me to live with joy and anticipation.
I will share other books with you in the future. As we read in Philippians 4:8-9, it really is important what we focus our thoughts on—they control what we feel and who we become. As we focus on Him and His Word, we become more like Him.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Praise God! I was able to do preparation for, oversight of, and teach at our annual Prayer Retreat at Westside. Last year every major commitment I made at Westside, beginning with the annual Prayer Retreat, I was in the hospital. As the days approached for the Retreat, God gave me a peace that I would indeed be there. What was surprising was the return of a greater strength and energy beginning last Wednesday. I was actually back to a strength and energy level that I had not had since before the Little Rock treatment. I think I was healing well after surgery and the adjustments made to the pace maker the week before were finally allowing the heart to give me the oxygen I needed. I also had the energy and air I needed to be in choir and ensemble rehearsal last Wednesday evening. Before then I had not even had air and strength to sing in our worship services.
The myeloma markers are remaining stable, maybe even a slight movement in the right direction. My body is handling the continued chemo and side effects at a manageable level. I am scheduled to return to Little Rock the week of March 2nd for a fuller evaluation.
As I awakened about 4:00 this morning (some of the Monday medications affect my sleep) I thought of my returning strength and energy, I realized I did not know how physically weak I had become. Of course this led me to think in spiritual realms because as I prepared for the Prayer Retreat, I realized I was spiritually weaker than I had been at times in the past. How easily that can happen. It makes me think of an illustration we used in teaching science. If you put a frog in boiling water, he senses the danger and jumps out. If you put him in room temperature water and gradually heat it up he will sit there and boil to death. The change is so gradual that he just adapts until the water is boiling and then it is too late.
Isn’t that what happens to us spiritually? We see certain situations and know they are dangerous—boiling water. Other times the change in our thinking, heart, and attitudes is so gradual we are in dangerous water and do not sense it. We are desensitized as we are bombarded through movies, TV, and our non-Christian associations. Our subconscious takes it in and we eventually stop sensing the danger.
But, we are not frogs. We can put spiritual thermostats and thermometers in place to keep us aware and to help control the dangers. Thermostats include beginning our focus on God every day through prayer and Bible study. “In the morning Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). “Oh, how I love your law; I meditate on it all day long” (Psalm 119:92). They also include our continued prayer through the day, our scheduled times of worship and Bible study, our fellowship time with Christian friends, and our personal reading and Bible study. These same things can also serve as thermometers that tell us when we are slipping. God’s Word, prayer, and Christian friends will confront us and the Holy Spirit will convict us of needed changes. Aren’t you glad our God is a personal God who is personally concerned about us and has given us many ways to stay in a close relationship with Him, continues to grow us, and helps us live out His purpose for our life? I was convicted last week as I spent additional time with Him and recommitted to become closer to Him than ever through increased Bible study and prayer. I want to live His will for my life each day.
The myeloma markers are remaining stable, maybe even a slight movement in the right direction. My body is handling the continued chemo and side effects at a manageable level. I am scheduled to return to Little Rock the week of March 2nd for a fuller evaluation.
As I awakened about 4:00 this morning (some of the Monday medications affect my sleep) I thought of my returning strength and energy, I realized I did not know how physically weak I had become. Of course this led me to think in spiritual realms because as I prepared for the Prayer Retreat, I realized I was spiritually weaker than I had been at times in the past. How easily that can happen. It makes me think of an illustration we used in teaching science. If you put a frog in boiling water, he senses the danger and jumps out. If you put him in room temperature water and gradually heat it up he will sit there and boil to death. The change is so gradual that he just adapts until the water is boiling and then it is too late.
Isn’t that what happens to us spiritually? We see certain situations and know they are dangerous—boiling water. Other times the change in our thinking, heart, and attitudes is so gradual we are in dangerous water and do not sense it. We are desensitized as we are bombarded through movies, TV, and our non-Christian associations. Our subconscious takes it in and we eventually stop sensing the danger.
But, we are not frogs. We can put spiritual thermostats and thermometers in place to keep us aware and to help control the dangers. Thermostats include beginning our focus on God every day through prayer and Bible study. “In the morning Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). “Oh, how I love your law; I meditate on it all day long” (Psalm 119:92). They also include our continued prayer through the day, our scheduled times of worship and Bible study, our fellowship time with Christian friends, and our personal reading and Bible study. These same things can also serve as thermometers that tell us when we are slipping. God’s Word, prayer, and Christian friends will confront us and the Holy Spirit will convict us of needed changes. Aren’t you glad our God is a personal God who is personally concerned about us and has given us many ways to stay in a close relationship with Him, continues to grow us, and helps us live out His purpose for our life? I was convicted last week as I spent additional time with Him and recommitted to become closer to Him than ever through increased Bible study and prayer. I want to live His will for my life each day.
Praise God! I was able to do preparation for, oversight of, and teach at our annual Prayer Retreat at Westside. Last year every major commitment I made at Westside, beginning with the annual Prayer Retreat, I was in the hospital. As the days approached for the Retreat, God gave me a peace that I would indeed be there. What was surprising was the return of a greater strength and energy beginning last Wednesday. I was actually back to a strength and energy level that I had not had since before the Little Rock treatment. I think I was healing well after surgery and the adjustments made to the pace maker the week before were finally allowing the heart to give me the oxygen I needed. I also had the energy and air I needed to be in choir and ensemble rehearsal last Wednesday evening. Before then I had not even had air and strength to sing in our worship services.
The myeloma markers are remaining stable, maybe even a slight movement in the right direction. My body is handling the continued chemo and side effects at a manageable level. I am scheduled to return to Little Rock the week of March 2nd for a fuller evaluation.
As I awakened about 4:00 this morning (some of the Monday medications affect my sleep) I thought of my returning strength and energy, I realized I did not know how physically weak I had become. Of course this led me to think in spiritual realms because as I prepared for the Prayer Retreat, I realized I was spiritually weaker than I had been at times in the past. How easily that can happen. It makes me think of an illustration we used in teaching science. If you put a frog in boiling water, he senses the danger and jumps out. If you put him in room temperature water and gradually heat it up he will sit there and boil to death. The change is so gradual that he just adapts until the water is boiling and then it is too late.
Isn’t that what happens to us spiritually? We see certain situations and know they are dangerous—boiling water. Other times the change in our thinking, heart, and attitudes is so gradual we are in dangerous water and do not sense it. We are desensitized as we are bombarded through movies, TV, and our non-Christian associations. Our subconscious takes it in and we eventually stop sensing the danger.
But, we are not frogs. We can put spiritual thermostats and thermometers in place to keep us aware and to help control the dangers. Thermostats include beginning our focus on God every day through prayer and Bible study. “In the morning Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). “Oh, how I love your law; I meditate on it all day long” (Psalm 119:92). They also include our continued prayer through the day, our scheduled times of worship and Bible study, our fellowship time with Christian friends, and our personal reading and Bible study. These same things can also serve as thermometers that tell us when we are slipping. God’s Word, prayer, and Christian friends will confront us and the Holy Spirit will convict us of needed changes. Aren’t you glad our God is a personal God who is personally concerned about us and has given us many ways to stay in a close relationship with Him, continues to grow us, and helps us live out His purpose for our life? I was convicted last week as I spent additional time with Him and recommitted to become closer to Him than ever through increased Bible study and prayer. I want to live His will for my life each day.
The myeloma markers are remaining stable, maybe even a slight movement in the right direction. My body is handling the continued chemo and side effects at a manageable level. I am scheduled to return to Little Rock the week of March 2nd for a fuller evaluation.
As I awakened about 4:00 this morning (some of the Monday medications affect my sleep) I thought of my returning strength and energy, I realized I did not know how physically weak I had become. Of course this led me to think in spiritual realms because as I prepared for the Prayer Retreat, I realized I was spiritually weaker than I had been at times in the past. How easily that can happen. It makes me think of an illustration we used in teaching science. If you put a frog in boiling water, he senses the danger and jumps out. If you put him in room temperature water and gradually heat it up he will sit there and boil to death. The change is so gradual that he just adapts until the water is boiling and then it is too late.
Isn’t that what happens to us spiritually? We see certain situations and know they are dangerous—boiling water. Other times the change in our thinking, heart, and attitudes is so gradual we are in dangerous water and do not sense it. We are desensitized as we are bombarded through movies, TV, and our non-Christian associations. Our subconscious takes it in and we eventually stop sensing the danger.
But, we are not frogs. We can put spiritual thermostats and thermometers in place to keep us aware and to help control the dangers. Thermostats include beginning our focus on God every day through prayer and Bible study. “In the morning Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation” (Psalm 5:3). “Oh, how I love your law; I meditate on it all day long” (Psalm 119:92). They also include our continued prayer through the day, our scheduled times of worship and Bible study, our fellowship time with Christian friends, and our personal reading and Bible study. These same things can also serve as thermometers that tell us when we are slipping. God’s Word, prayer, and Christian friends will confront us and the Holy Spirit will convict us of needed changes. Aren’t you glad our God is a personal God who is personally concerned about us and has given us many ways to stay in a close relationship with Him, continues to grow us, and helps us live out His purpose for our life? I was convicted last week as I spent additional time with Him and recommitted to become closer to Him than ever through increased Bible study and prayer. I want to live His will for my life each day.
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