Memories of Freda

We are grateful for the affirmation of Freda and her influence in the lives of others. Thank you so much.

If other of you would like to post a comment, please do so.


And thank you for your continued prayer on behalf of her family.

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Hello everyone, here are the memories you wrote on note cards from her memorial service. Feel free to add more via commenting below.


I worked with Freda very closely when I directed the 9th grade program (1993-1996) at Buchholz. She was always a loving and disciplined teacher. (tough love?) Her students called her Sergeant Crawford. But it was done affectionately. She was an inspiration to us all and I loved her dedication and I treasured our working relationship and friendship. Having lost my helpmate of 30 years in 2000, I know how hard this will be on all of you. But I also know that families focused on Christ and fortified by His love will draw strength from each other. And remember, all of us at Westside are your family and you can always depend on us.

“Look what God has done!” Those were Freda’s words at the reception celebrating Gary and Freda’s 20th year of ministry at Westside. I took it as truth and encouragement. The truth of 20 years for Gary and Freda and the encouragement to someone who had only known our Lord for 5 years.

There are so many than just one way – Freda was truly a Proverbs 31 woman – she let Jesus shine through her life – it was truly a privilege to have known her.

After her cancer, not before, she earned a Ph.D. Freda refused to quit living. For her, life was something to be wrestled and mastered. There was no quit in her. Thank you, Freda.

She and my husband had chemo treatments at the same time one day. Freda greeted everyone, began chemo and matter of factly started to work on an armful of materials. She demonstrated “Christian calmness under fire” and let us know that God’s grace is sufficient for anything we encounter.

The first mission trip was with Freda which forever changed the way I looked at missions and the work.

She fought the good fight. She finished with honor.

I had the privilege to work with Freda when she was a doctoral student in the College of Ed. God placed her in my life when I was away from my walk with “my father”, Freda somehow knew and she prayed for and with me and soon I came home to Westside Baptist Church.

Oh my gosh! Where to start? Mrs. Freda was my SS teacher and she was awesome. She helped me see the vital importance of having that personal, honest and open relationship with Christ. I will always love her.

No matter what was going on, Miss Freda had a smile and an encouraging word for me.

I had the privilege of being in her SS Class. She encouraged everybody. She was a woman of faith and I always remember her as a hero, loving and caring friend. I miss her but she is in a better place. We love your family, Pastor, and we need you so much. Our prayers are with your family.

I only knew Freda for a short time. Knowing her strength to go on has made a big influence on my life because there is a spiritual battle in my home. Love in Christ.

Freda has influenced me in so many, many ways. What a privilege it was to serve supporting Freda in the Women’s Prayer Group for 10 years. I was privileged to be involved with her in ministry in this way. During these last 10 days, I’ve thought much about the influence of the monthly prayer letters that she sent to those on the mailing list. I would like to partner with Pastor Gary and perhaps others to publish those letters so that others may gain strength, wisdom and encouragement. I’m so blessed to have had Freda as a friend. She will forever yield influence in my life.

I was always impressed with Ms Freda’s warm, welcoming smile. Although I didn’t know her well, we shared being Pastor’s wives as a thing in common. My greatest honor was when she referred to a comment I made in her next to last blog and called me friend. Her blogs always amazed me in her continuing praise to God despite her circumstances. I think they should be published to inspire others in difficult circumstances.

Freda influenced me by showing me how to walk with a strong relationship with the Lord. But also how to love and accept what life throws at you and keep going. I truly will miss her.

I have known Freda by attending Westside although I haven’t met her personally. I know deep in my heart that she’s a woman of faith and courage, and really admire her for that. One worship service she sang “Through it All.” I was touched and blessed with that song. Every time I hear this music, I always remember Freda.

I will always remember Biology class at Buchholz High. Freda was an excellent teacher, tough and disciplined, but loved everyone. She will be sorely missed.

I never spoke with Freda. I did, however, listen to her play the piano. The love and beauty of the Lord shone through her music. She was a wonderful blessing to me through her music.

Freda’s spiritual strength and unselfishness had an effect on my everyday thoughts. Her words of encouragement and wisdom will always be in my mind.

Miss Freda, by example, was always a tower of strength and a beacon of encouragement. She taught me to remain steady in my faith and my responsibilities, no matter what I may face in life. She always had a smile and a kind word for me. I loved her, will miss her, and I look forward to seeing her again.

“Miss Freda” modeled how to love God, her family, and her church family in a graceful, steadfast way. She showed us how to pray and how to keep our eyes on the prize when there seemed to be no way to overcome. Thank you, Miss Freda. I am so thankful that I was able to attend the last Women’s Prayer Breakfast. You gave me hope that day that will carry me through this life. Victory in Jesus.

Occasionally, I would see Freda at the gym exercising and would think how could I feel tired or not motivated to exercise watching her on the treadmill. Also, being a part of the women’s ministry, I have cherished her monthly prayer letter and have kept every letter for the past three years using them to encourage my devotional time with the Lord.

Freda was a supportive colleague of mine for years at Buchholz High School. She often shared her smile, her funny observations, and accepted me as I was at that period of my life. For bringing a bright spot & lovely smile into many of my days, I say “Thank you Freda.”

Freda, my friend, was courageous and brave as she faced death. She would come to our office with a smile and never mentioned how she felt. She always asked how I was. I was just at her house 4 weeks ago. She took me on a tour of her beautiful home and talked about her kids and grandkids and Gary- never herself. As she shuffled around her house with the walker all yellowed with jaundice, her eyes bruised from recent falls I was amazed at her fortitude & kindness towards me. She liked the color blue & in honor of Freda I am wearing blue today at my dear friends funeral. I asked the Lord last Thursday, Nov 12 when I found out about her passing, “ Lord, please let me be brave and courageous like Freda when my time comes.” What a Heritage Freda left. Love Doug Smith’s wife

Whenever greeting her with a “Hi Freda, How Are You?” Her response would always be, “Good How Are You?” It would never be about her, but about whoever inquired about her. She could well have responded, “I’m feeing weak today and I’m dying , you know. I’m in a lot of pain too- some days- unbearable, but today I’m dealing with it ok, I think so far”….but she didn’t. Jesus was her life and she showed so many how He is the center- and all goes out from there. She brought Jesus to life. Even when she spoke intimately to the women’s breakfast groups, she was always, positive, encouraging and saw her health issues as learning and teaching experiences rather than a stumbling block to her life or ministry. A wonderful Christian example! What better could be said about anyone? Praise His Holy Name Well Done, Thy Good and Faithful Servant!

I remember her especially when I feel like grumbling because of an ache and pains; then I remember her grace, peace and love she showed throughout the trials of her illness. She motivated one to be better through her witness. I will think of her and miss her dearly but have peace knowing she is in the presence of our Savior-

Praying for Freda as a brand new Christian gave me proof of the power, the true power of Prayer! Thank you.

Pastor, You are the one that told me Freda liked me. Well I liked her too, in fact, I loved her. I know it was because she always took the extra step to make things better. She encouraged me, laughed at me and with me. The Lord showed through her life I will always remember her life- it will continue to encourage me! Loved Her!!! She loved me, but really she loved the Lord!

Mrs Freda’s strength and courage have been a great testimony to all of us. Her faith and love for our Savior have encouraged our family. Westside friends were a great comfort for Ted and me when our son (Nick, Debbie and family) moved to Gainesville. We know they were well loved and guided when we couldn’t be with them. We are very grateful to God for all His wonderful blessings. He is to good to us <3 <3 Ephesians 3:20 “He is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond what we ask or think.” May God greatly comfort and encourage you all. Our memories of Mrs Freda are a treasure.

We have been at WBC for 22 years. Over the years with every contact with Freda, be it at church, Publix or at BHS, you always felt her love of the Lord. You knew that God was first in her life. I’ll never forget how excited our daughters Heather & Shannon were when came home to tell us that Mrs Freda was their science teacher.

Freda was a great example of faith. In this world we need more people like she. Bro. Gary you and Freda are an inspiration in my life and in my wife life. We pray for you and don’t forget to continue to pray for my wife Raquel. We love you.

Being a member of Freda’s Sunday School class in 1989 and the mission trip in Brazil in 1993 allowed me to appreciate her leadership, love and empathy. She will always be in our hearts.

Freda was my first SS teacher. Each year I grew to love her more. Our children grew up together-Christa & Keith, John & Erich. Shared ministry together and helped-guided me to live more like Christ. She was my mentor and never knew it. Thank you Lord for sending the Crawford’s to Westside. I love you

What inspired our family was her faith and dedication, in spite of her illness. As her hair stylist, (Marshall) she was always so upbeat and never complained or was down. Her beautiful example and Godly faith will inspire our family to forever follow her example. God Bless you, Gary and family. We Love You!


Although we did not know Freda well, she did have an impact on us because of her courage and her love for her God and Savior Lord- I know she is with Him- In Love


I still see Freda as a bright-eyed, smart little girl in my beginning band class, with her saxophone, full of energy and eager to learn.

Although I was never the scholar that Freda was, her influence inspired me to finish college and get my master degree. Our families have good memories of plat dates, wall-papering the bathroom at the old pastorium, a trip to Washington DC and trying to fix the brakes on Gary’s old yellow Toyota. These are the ordinary things that young families do. What a blessing that we shared them with Freda and your family! Our prayers are with you as you heal. PS. Gary, remember your beige swimsuit you wore while skiing at the lake?

Hey you guys! When I get to Gainesville & Westside back in Jan ’91- who knew what a great family I’d meet& become a part of. With Miss Freda- it was just her smile, and the way she welcomed everyone in. I love you guys & will be praying for you all. She will be missed, but know she is singing!

Freda-was a good friend from the 1st days at Westside. Never the hint of an unkind word from her lips. She is well and whole and preparing a place for us.

I did not fully appreciate Mrs Crawford until I became an adult and was talked into chaperoning a youth trip with my own church. Never again! Freda showed such patience and humor with a group of wild teen-age girls. I pray that I will have half of her grace, strength, faith, dignity and humor. She was and is a role model for me as a woman, wife, mother and teacher. I am blessed to have known her.


Freda’s faith and strength are indescribable. We thank her and Gary for their steadfast faith. Christian Love!

Freda lived her life in the past ten years under extreme difficulty and illness. Yet she always served the Lord and loved her family and all of us a t Westside. Our family has been living under extreme stress, and Freda’s example has sustained us.

Mrs. Freda had a great influence on my faith. She truly inspired me to strive to be the women God has planned. She encouraged me to persist in my PhD when I thought I could not finish, she encouraged me in a frantic new mommy moment in the hallway assuring me it would get easier & God would provide wisdom in raising my son. She also encouraged me to follow God’s call to the mission field. Most recently though, her writing on her blog greatly impacted me. Every post had some element I was sure God had led her to write just for me as I am sure most other readers thought. I loved her dearly and her teachings live on within me. I love you PG & family and am praying you through this.-(Teri Delucca) one more thought- Our marriage was healed & strengthened through the help of Pastor Gary & thoughts shared of their marriage. We have mentioned several times how we want our marriage to be like theirs. “when we grow up”

It’s hard to put in words. She taught me to keep my eyes on Jesus, every moment counts I thank Jesus that I was able to take care of her in moments she needed help. She touched many hearts at the hospital.

All of what has been shared today is true; that she lived what she believed. Her walk in the “light”, her passion for our Lord, her quiet strength & unwavering faith have impacted me the most! In His Love

As a child I was given a plaque on it said; Only one life will soon be passed, Only what is done for Christ will last. Freda’s life was the embodiment of this verse.

Freda a wonderful, Loving, Faithful women of God. This faithful prayer warrior has set by example how to walk with God, through every season in our lives. She is now in Heaven’s Hall of Fame. I now place Freda in Hebrew 11. A woman of Faith.

What a testimony she had. She was an angel in disguise. She walked the walk and talked the talk. I call her mother Saint Alice and I certainly can call Freda, Saint also. Love in Christ (Diane Duncan) Hopeful Baptist Church

I didn’t know Freda well, but she was always a shining light & inspiration. You could see her kindness in her smile.

I was blessed- and continue to be- by the women’s prayer services. I felt blessed to be there as she walked and prayed for the groups.

Freda was one of the very first friends that I had when we first moved to Gainesville in December 1982. She was the only person I could play tennis with and Gary and I still tell the story of Freda chasing Gary around the house with one of John’s snakes. She pulled a fast one on him, ran right into him and he screamed like a woman- we all had a big laugh. Freda knew how to have a good time. She was my teacher, friend and role model. I will always remember and love her. I will keep you in my prayers.

Pastor Gary, Mrs. Freda was always, always there beside you. You never left her site. I just want to say I’m sorry for Mrs. Freda passing away. Pastor Gary, she influenced me by asking every Sunday morning, how was my week at school every day.


Freda’s desire to glorify God in all areas of her life is an example to me and to Ervin. As wife, mother and friend, she is what every woman should pattern. She showed respect to all individuals regardless of who. With love.

Mrs. Freda influenced my life with her tenacity. She never let anything stop except Jesus. Through her I can say if she went through all she went through and kept going, surely I can go through this little mess. Her strength, strengthens me. Does that make sense? I love and pray for the family.

Radiantly beautiful. A valiant fighter. A model of fidelity. A precious pastor’s wife. An inspiration to us.

As the old radio show said, “Let’s return to the days of yesteryear.” Our choir had a fundraiser which awas our production of Love Boat. Freda was Scarlett and Gary was Rhett. I don’t remember the specific dialog but it culminated with Rhett sweeping Scarlett into his arms and leaving.

The look they shared when he said “Scarlet” and she said “Oh, Rhett” told me (I was divorced and single at the time) what real love should look like. I thank both of you for that example and inspiration. Much love.

Her help, love & faithfulness has been a true blessing for our family. We will miss her until we meet again.

Freda’s unending faith and example that she set with her faith will be something that will always remain with me. Her graciousness and grace she displayed even in the midst of her illness was unparalleled to anything I have ever seen. She will always be a part of my life and in my heart.

Freda influenced my prayer life more than any other individual I can think of. The way she prayed constantly for others during the day as well as morning and evenings, no matter if she was in a meeting, driving down the road, etc. She was such a great influence on my and many, many others.

Mrs. Freda influenced my life by being such an inspiration on a weekly basis because of her strength, faith, her smile and the love she had for God through all the tough times. She will always be in my life and in my heart. I will love her forever.


Christa and I are close friends, which began with working together. Since then, we’ve shared many wonderful hours together over coffee, etc. talking and sharing. Through Christa I have learned so much about Freda, whom I did not know nearly as well. I saw a lot of Freda’s faith in Christa as well as her optimism. Each time I’d call or visit with Christa and ask about her mom, she replied with something like “she’s had a rough 3-4 days but she’s better this week.” When it came time to return to Arkansas Christa said, “I hope she’ll feel better next week so she can go to Arkansas.” Everyone who knows and loves this family should read Freda’s blog. My goodness! What grace, faith, and optimism in the face of adversity. A model for all of us. I am blessed to be a part of Christa’s life and to have her in mine. She is living proof that ages of friends make no difference (she is younger than my daughter). It’s the Christian connection. We love the Crawfords/Lathams.


I got to know Freda as my Sunday school teacher. I had never known anyone more strong in her faith as she was. She always is going to be my inspiration of perseverance to become a stronger Christian. She is always going to be in my heart. One day, I hope to be as strong in my faith as she was. I know I’m on my way!

Though our time at Westside in ’92-’93 was short, we thank the Lord that we got to know Freda, you Pastor Gary, you Christa and you John. Freda was so loving to us. Thank you all for sharing Freda’s life with us today. Amazing life!

Freda was a great friend at work; an example of how to minister to children and the reason Heather and I joined Westside. She also was a great mentor and prayer partner to Heather after she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. We love you all!

We started praying for Freda before we met her. Sharon Skiles, Steves sister, asked for prayer for her when she was diagnosed in 200. When Steven & I joined the Westside family in 2003, we met Freda. She was not a frail, sick woman, but a strong, courageous woman with a gentle, loving nature, that spoke volumes to me. She loved the Word and it showed in everything she did, even when she wasn’t feeling all that well. I thank you all, husband, children, grandchildren and mother, for sharing Freda. Most of all, I thank God for Freda and her life. I will continue to pray for your family and want you to know that our family was touched through Freda. We love you.

She brought all of us here because we all love her.

Thanks to Mrs Freda, our family has talked to God together and focused our thoughts beyond ourselves which has built character into the lives of Julia, Jay & Jessica. We love You!

An Angel on Earth!!

Freda was such an inspiration as we prayed together in the prayer chapel 6 months ago before she was to go to Little Rock. She prayed for Susan’s sister, Diane, who has ALS & we all prayed for her to have a good report in Little Rock. She is the epitome of faith, courage & love & is everything that Jesus would desire in each of us. Go bless you Pastor Gary & Family. Love in Christ,

Miss Freda was an example of the true Christian women to me and my family. I never forgot the day when she received me in this church with her smile. She was a wonderful women and servant of God!

Precious Friends – The ways & moments are too many- and flood to mind now & everytime Lynda & I think of Freda. We will share that everytime we were in her presence- we felt His spirit & love and whether in the church, Publix, hospital or wherever- we always felt better & stronger leaving after being in her presence. We love her & you.

In her last blog Freda mentioned clouds and how things always are better when we look up(towards God) The sky is just a glimpse of the wonders of heaven to come. I will never forget her- she will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life.

For me it was times of candidness. I took a job as a housekeep of Gainesville Health and Fitness- a job not on my radar; far from my career in New York City. I worked there for the membership and to give myself much time to think about my recovery from addiction to drugs…bitterness really. In these pressing prayerful times I would often see Freda working the “line” I would watch her and wonder….and know the p[presence of the Lord was upon her…and me. God is good.

Freda lived her faith to the fullest. She was the model Christian Woman. I am glad to have know Freda.

Freda was a special “Angel” here on earth to her church family. She was such an inspiration sharing her faith of the good news of Christ wherever she went and being do strong outwardly with so much going on inside her body. We love you dear Freda & are so thankful for knowing you and your family at WBC for 26 years.


I couldn’t count how may times Mrs Freda touched my life. Started off when we were in a small “Westside Church” and she was always happy & so pretty. As I grew up her strength & courage was very touching to me & when I had a bad day all I had to do was think of her. Then the way you both loved each other. I have always tried to live like her in my life and my marriage. I have grown up in this church you “Pastor Gary”, Freda , Christa & John mean so much to me. We will all miss Mrs Freda. Love

I never had the opportunity to sit under Freda’s teaching but her walk had a great impact on my life. She truly influenced me in my walk with the Lord. To try to be quiet and listen to the HS and then speaks. She will live on in our hearts.


WOW! What a wonderful Godly Lady. The Prayer breakfast, her singing, her presents when ever I saw her, But the most influence she took the time to sign my Bible (even when she wasn’t feeling well) I’ve had people that have touched my life sign my Bible (about 20 years I done this). Pastor Gary you signed it on my birthday the day I joined Westside, 1/27/07. When I look at this name, it gives hope, grace, and love when I feel down. This is my most cherish thing I have. Keep Pressing on in Gods ever loving Grace. “To God be the Glory to the Life & Legacy of a Blessed Family”

What can I say, She was a precious woman to us with a smile always on her face. It was such a joy to work for her the last 17 years. She will be so missed by us. A true example of a Christ like person! Please call if we can help. Praying for you guys.

Freda always was an encourager. Even when she later was in pain she endured it silently (to us at church0 and yet, always had a kind word…a smile… and something pleasant for others. I will miss her!

The way she lived her faith, one saw Jesus. She projected the fruits of the spirit-Love, joy, Peace, Patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness and self - control.

We were still at the old church. It was a Wednesday dinner at church, Freda sat at the same table as my sons and I. The room had cleared out & Gary joined her. They were talking to a church member across the table. They focused on the member’s concerns BUT under the table they were holding hands and seemed to be playing Thumb Wars. To someone who was never loved that way and never had that kind of “fun & playful” relationship in my life it was a wonderful glimpse of what love & marriage should be! Thank you Freda & Gary!

Knowing how much pain Freda suffered through and yet seeing her keep pushing forward was an incredible inspiration to me and many countless others. We will miss her, but I’m so happy that she is talking with Jesus face-to-face at this very moment. Love and Blessings,

Freda was the first person (along with Terry Crews) to visit us when we moved to Gainesville 11 years ago. I was so impressed by her visit that it is still a strong memory. Freda was also an encouraging factor in getting me to participate in choir. While I struggle to do that she is the one who told me not to listen to the voice in my head. I will miss her but I am filled with comfort knowing she is with our Lord. God Bless!

Our 20+ tears at Westside shaped our lives and the lives of our children. During that time Freda was always a model of grace, beauty and commitment. The love of Jesus shone through her, She could always laugh in the face of adversity.


Freda’s passion fir the Lord is an inspiration to me. Never wavering but growing stronger. She is an amazing women and testimony personally to me. I am blessed and honored to have known her. I can only inspire to be a quarter of the woman she was. Love

People often ask, “Does God still perform miracles?” Well, Freda was a miracle! I’m a better person fir having known Freda and her family.

I couldn’t begin to tell all the ways Freda has influenced my life. Such a woman of grace & strength! But if I never learned anything else from her, this one thing has impacted me like nothing else. “God has a plan.” In my own difficulties over these past 10 years. I have been able to go forward with strength & peace as I have repeated her words. Thank you, Father for bringing me to this church family and giving me the privilege & blessing of knowing & loving & being loved by Freda.

Freda was a tower of calmness in the life of Westside and everywhere she went. We need calmness in our lives. Thank you for sharing her with us. Thank you, Gary and family for sharing her with us. What a wonderful reunion we will all have when we meet again. God Bless and keep y’all safe. In Christ’s Love

Freda has been a rock of strength and a testimony for others to witness. Since Gib’s cancer diagnosis 12 months ago he and I have prayed for the same strength and commitment to ministry. Even today he is training 45 people at a mission training in Georgia. We love you!

I have been at Westside since the age of 2 when my family moved to Gainesville (1982). Freda taught many of my friends in High School and was a friend to all of us. When Freda & I went on the China missions trip together in 1998, her friendship and words of wisdom to me was so special. Freda is an example to me of God’s strength and power.

Freda has been an example to me since we first started attending Westside over 28 years ago. Her total commitment to God’s will in her life, her many accomplishments but humble and loving spirit, and her strength in the face of such trials has inspired and challenge me in my own walk. We’ll miss her.

Videos from Freda's Service

For those interested, here are some videos from Freda's Memorial Service.

Photo Montage from the Service

Freda's Memorial Service






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Closed with a Kiss

Sweetheart,
When we said “I do,” closed the deal with a kiss, and rode off into our future, I had no idea of the “ride” we would have. One may call it foolish, or presumptuous, or idealistic, but no one could call it boring. The ride together in life has been an adventure.

Like a roller coaster, sometimes up and sometimes down, but always in motion. There has been the slow clank to the top with its anticipation, the fast spiral with its thrill, and always a “hang on” kind of experience. There is more coming!

That deal, closed with a kiss, placed us on an educational journey with a destination of two doctorates (actually your first was a PHT – ‘put hubby through’). Yet, no book learning has taught me what I have learned from you. You have been my true graduate school and what you have conferred, can’t be granted by a diploma.

That same deal closed with a kiss, bore the fruit of two children, both attractive, bright, honest, and loving, who have now blessed us with more of the same in our grandchildren.

That same deal, closed with a kiss, out us on a path in ministry that has crossed the states and circled the globe. So much of God’s created beauty we have either seen, smelled, climbed, crawled, or driven. We have seen the mountain tops, the valleys, the hills, the rivers, the streams, the deserts, the beaches, the glacier ice, the deep underwater, and the high blue sky. We have weathered the freezing cold, managed the humid heat, and enjoyed the cool between. Most importantly, we looked into the eyes of every race and creed and saw the longing in their eyes for a transcendent love and offered that in the person of Jesus Christ.

That same deal, closed with a kiss, has provided the highest ecstasies of life and some of the deepest sorrows, and most powerful losses. In both the highs and lows, we were there together, hand in hand, sometimes sharing mingled tears of joy and sometimes hot tears of sadness. At times our direction seemed clear and certain. At times the path seemed obscure and uncertain. Nonetheless, somehow, we remained on the same path helping each other along the way.

I have loved you, but have failed you in ways that leave regret. Yet, I find comfort in the words you have spoken on more than one occasion – “We do the best we can with who we are at a given time.” I wish I had been more much earlier in our ride together. I wish I were more now as we yet travel together. But whatever there was, whatever there is, your love claimed it and your love has made the most of it.

I cannot imagine a traveling companion that would have, could have offered more for the ride. The strength, the grace, the beauty, the encouragement, the hope to ultimately arrive at our destiny could not have been equaled. You have defined the standard. Your love has been a pearl, your strength my haven, your never-ending hope my rainbow. The light on my face has often been only a reflection of your smile. Your beauty has grown ever more beautiful as I have grown more capable of seeing what was always there. Funny, isn’t it, how that works!

We still travel together. Life holds no more uncertainty now than it ever did. But perhaps now, a bit weather worn and wiser, we understand more clearly that in the uncertainty of life, we find our greatest opportunity and our deepest values.

It has been quite a ride “partner.” Hang on, the best is just ahead around the bend. I’m so glad we “closed the deal” and sealed it with a kiss.

I love you,
GARY
11/10/09 (Dothan, Alabama)

Freda has finished the Race...

As you may already know, Freda joined the Lord and other loved ones in heaven this last Thursday. She "fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. Now she has received the crown of righteousness" 2 Timothy 4:7.


My family and I thank you for your prayer and support, especially over the last ten years of her battle. We invite you to join us this Saturday, November 21 at 10:00am for the celebration of her life and faith and to worship together as a body of believers.


You will find below information that might be helpful to you. Freda and I pray God's best blessings for you.


We celebrate the life and influence of Freda Marlene Crawford, who was born in Lake City, Florida, October 12, 1949 and joined Jesus Christ and other loved ones November 12, 2009. Freda was an accomplished woman. She was an honors graduate of Columbia County High School, and then the president of the student body at Lake City Community College. She completed her B.S. from the University of West Florida and her M.Ed. and Ph.D. in Science Education from the University of Florida.


For 17 years she taught science at Buchholz High School until she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 1999. After treatment, she completed her Ph.D. and taught as an adjunct professor in Science Education as long as her health allowed.


More important to her than work and education was her family. She modeled the love and support of a faithful wife, mother, and then grandmother of four-- with boundless energy and excitement. Her family was the joy and the focus of her life.


But even more important to her was her faith in Christ. Having made a commitment of her life to Christ at the age of nine, she became a life-long, devoted follower of His. Her faith was the driving force of her life, and in her everyone saw the embodiment of one of her favorite scriptures, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) She stood alongside her husband of thirty-nine years, Gary L. Crawford, pastor of Westside Baptist Church for the past 28 years. She carried on her own ministry of prayer, teaching, music--as both an instrumentalist and vocalist--and engaged in mission work around the world. She profoundly loved her church family at Westside, and her shared ministry with them was a passion in her life. She was deeply grateful for their love and support as she battled her disease across ten years. This love and gratitude were expressed in her CD “Praise for God’s Sustaining Hand” and in the book that she and Dr. Fran Terhune edited for her husband, “In Celebration of Love, Marriage and Sex,” based on the Song of Solomon.
The work of the Florida Baptist Convention, especially the establishment of a Florida Baptist Children’s Home in the area, was also central in her ministry. From the Convention, she received the honor of “Pastor’s Wife of the Year” just a few days before her Homegoing.


She leaves a legacy of faith, love, courage, and commitment to family, ministry, and community. The song she sang on her CD, “Touch Through Me,” reflects the passion of her life; she said, “This song expresses my commitment to be available to Him.”


Her husband Gary, children (and spouses) John & Tina, Christa & Bill, and grandchildren Cade, Michael, Johanna, and Lachlan, mother Alice Mangle, and brother Ronnie Mangle wish to express gratitude to the many friends who have brought prayer and encouragement into their lives. We invite all to celebrate her life and faith on Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 10:00 am at Westside Baptist Church. Interment will follow at Hopeful Baptist Church in Lake City, FL at 2:00 pm. If you can't make it, it will be available to watch via live streaming on Westside's website.


Viewing will be held at Williams-Thomas Funeral Home (State Road 241) from 4:00 pm-7:00 pm on Friday, November 20, 2009.


In lieu of flowers, the family invites you make a donation to Westside Baptist Church (10000 Newberry Road, Gainesville 32606) for a Missions Scholarship that will be established in her honor.

I’m sorry it has been so long since you heard from me. September was a very busy month. I was in the hospital three times dealing with issues related to the heart. The first two visits were a result of my passing out. They are not sure what happened unless maybe my blood pressure dropped drastically all of a sudden. Praise God Gary was around both times. Though it is hard on him, I am grateful to have him with me in such incidents. I was not injured in the first fall but head and face to ceramic tile did result in some cuts and bruises as a result of the second fall. Thankfully, the CT showed no concussion. The third visit (one day after being released from the second one) was because I could not get my breath. Almost three liters of fluid were drained from the area under my lungs. My lungs had been pushed up under my shoulder blades and the doctors wondered how I was managing to breathe.

After draining the fluid I could lay flat so they did a right heart catheterization to determine the degree of diastolic dysfunction in the heart. They found I had diastolic heart failure. This is a result of the heart muscle becoming stiff and not relaxing. Therefore, the heart cannot pump efficiently. This is the explanation for the fluid build up I have been dealing with since May. Even though there is no treatment for diastolic heart failure, they now know what they need to do to treat the symptoms.

I have also been in physical therapy and occupational therapy to try and strengthen my muscles. They were already weak after ten years of chemotherapy, but the seven hospital stays since the first of May have resulted in even more weakness. Because I am considered a fall risk when I am in the hospital, I am not allowed to get out of bed. Of course, this weakens the muscles even more. As a matter of fact, I now have my blue chariot (walker) that I use everywhere I go. It has a basket and a seat. I have assistance in walking, sit when I’m tired or dizzy, and have a place to put the phone and other items I may need. I could get used to that.

Hopefully, I am done with hospital visits and will begin to get back to a more “normal” life—normal for me that is. I am grateful that even though I may have been in the hospital a lot, at least I keep checking out. As long as I can be discharged, life is good.

With all the heart problems I have been off chemotherapy five of the last six weeks. That is of concern to us and the doctors. I also had a fat pad test (yes there is such a thing) during my last hospital stay and it was positive for amyloidosis. Amyloidosis occurs when amyloid protein, naturally produced in the body, is over produced (not uncommon in multiple myeloma) and the excess amyloid proteins are deposited in organs and tissues. These proteins may have been deposited in my heart muscle. This would result in stiffness and an inability to relax. I will be returning to the cancer center in Little Rock in the next few weeks to evaluate the status of the multiple myeloma and the amyloidosis. At that time a new treatment protocol will be developed to deal with both diseases.

During his battle with lymphoma, David Jeremiah wrote a book titled, A Bend in the Road. He opens with the following poem,

Sometimes we come to life’s crossroads
And we view what we think is the end.
But God has much wider vision
And He knows that it’s only a bend—
The road will go on and get smoother
And after we’ve stopped for a rest
The path that lies hidden beyond us
Is often the path that is best.
So rest and relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share your load
And have faith in a brighter tomorrow
You’ve just come to a bend in the road.

In the early months after my diagnosis I read Dr. Jeremiah’s book and found it very encouraging. I feel like my new problems are just a bend in the road. And, the bend is only the end if we don’t go around it. In his book he also refers to a book that analyzed some problems with modern counseling. The author states that in counseling we are often encouraged to dredge up unhappy events from the past. His suggestion is why not dredge up all the happy events, focus on them, and learn from them. That is what has to be done to keep us positive in life. Each “bend in the road” brings new challenges but it also brings opportunities for growth and for trust in God. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. . . Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:1,2,10b). I do not look forward to the treatment ahead, but I know God is in control and will be with me. After all, He knew about this ahead of time and has a plan.

October started out as a wonderful month. Our church family gave Gary and me an absolutely fabulous 60th birthday celebration. Yes, we both turned 60 and we are grateful to do so. It was a lot of fun to talk with and hug everyone. We also enjoyed reading the many cards and will enjoy the gifts. An artist in our church family also painted a picture of me. He did an extremely beautiful job. It is a tremendous gift for Gary and for all of us. Our church family really expresses their love and support in tangible, thoughtful ways. We are so grateful for them.

Well, would you believe I wrote the previous information and was going to proof it but before I had the opportunity to do so I was back in the hospital again? Last Friday I was entered with extremely labored breathing. The fluid had built up under the lungs again. They drained 3.5 liters on Saturday. This time I had a lot of pain after the draining and some episodes of lower than usual blood pressure, so I was in the hospital until Monday. To be back there so soon was hard, but as always there were good times during those days. Those good times included time with family and friends, opportunities to encourage others, and a set of nurses and techs that took excellent care of me. I also remember looking out my hospital window on Sunday morning. I had two views. If I looked down I saw a parking garage. If I looked up I saw beautiful puffy white clouds. Isn’t the view always better when we choose to look up? I remember as a child laying down in my grandfather’s pasture and looking up at the clouds. My cousins and I were always trying to see shapes of animals in the shapes of the clouds. Since that time I have studied and taught about clouds. I love to watch them. Sunday morning the clouds just seemed to be sitting there, but if you watched them long enough you could see they were moving. I immediately thought of God’s work in our lives. Sometimes He just seems to be sitting there doing nothing, but if we are patient we will discover He is moving and working in our lives. We just have to focus on Him to see it. After a while the clouds moved out of my view but I knew they were not really gone. And I knew just because God doesn’t appear to be in view at a particular moment, it doesn’t mean He’s not there. I believe He gives me those special times to say to me that He is there and He is working. He encourages and strengthens me and I am so grateful He does.

I will be getting regular chest X-rays until I leave for Arkansas on November 3rd to determine possible fluid build up so they can drain it before I leave. The need for testing and evaluation by the multiple myeloma specialists in Arkansas out weighs the potential risks involved in flying. By nature, I want to know what my medical condition truly is and the new treatment protocol. Please pray for Gary and me as we go. All of this is wearing him down more and more. We will have a nurse friend traveling with us so if anything happens he is not alone and she will also be able to help assess what needs to be done. (And, I get to visit with someone besides him.) Thank you so much for your constant prayers. I know God gives me strength and places me in the right places at the right times in answer to your prayers.

A friend told me Sunday that sometimes she wonders why I have not updated my blog. Then she said she realized that it probably meant I was not doing well and she should pray harder. That is often the case. I always wait a couple of weeks until I have something new to report and then it seems illness and schedule contrive to keep me from updating it.

This time the initial wait was for results from the last labwork sent to Little Rock. The news was good! The myeloma markers were essentially unchanged. It has been so long since sending the last labwork that I should be sending more labwork next week. After waiting for lab results it has been a combination of lung issues, heart issues, and a busy schedule that have prevented me from writing an update. A couple of weeks ago my breathing became so labored that I needed to see my pulmonologist. He felt there was some fluid in and around the lungs and that the bronchial tubes were closing up some. His recommendation was to put me in the hospital to assess and make decisions (no thank you, been there done that), give me an effective medication for bronchial dilation (of course it may case AFIB, no thank you), or give me a 10 day dose of Prednisone (lets just add a second steroid to the myeloma steroid I already take). Of course I chose option three. It made me a little crazy and gave me what Gary and I call a “steroid head” at times. The “steroid head” is a fuzzy head, maybe slightly blurred vision, and difficulty walking. (I’m experiencing some “steroid head” today so I hope this update makes sense.) The side effects of the additional steroids were manageable and I began breathing better almost immediately. I am still breathing better than I was even though I finished the medication a week ago. Hopefully the improved breathing will continue.

The heart issue I have been dealing with is extremely low blood pressure. This is a side effect of the AFIB medication I take. The doctors were hesitant to give it to me because I already take medication to raise my natural and medicine induced low blood pressure. This past week it has dropped several times into the range of 60-63 over 38- 42. I cannot walk without holding on to something when this happens and I have to find a place to sit quickly. The disconcerting thing is that I do not know when it is going to happen so I have had to change some of what I normally do. After consultation back and forth with the cardiologist and trying one other thing we are lowering the dose of the AFIB medication, having me retain more fluid, and I am wearing compression hose part of each day. All of these carry a risk. The AFIB may return because the lowered dose will not work and the fluid may build up around my heart and lungs. I have been on this regime for two days and have not had an episode of AFIB so maybe the heart will respond to the lowered dose and I will be putting less medication into my system.

I do need to be able to get back to exercise. Up until this past year I have been able to maintain a certain level of exercise. With lack of exercise and the large doses of steroids I am losing a lot of muscle. I feel like the lady on TV who says, “I’ve fallen down and I can’t get up.” It is funny to watch the contortions I go through if I get down on my knees or sit on the floor! I just have to laugh at myself and get creative in my attempts to get up.

The busy schedule part of the update delay is full of good news. Gary and I celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary on August 21st. It has been an absolutely wonderful 39 years. I could not have made a better choice in a mate. Thank goodness God was guiding me in my youthful ignorance. We were able to take an overnight stay the week before our anniversary at Amelia Island. It is a beautiful place and the bed and breakfast where we stayed on the beach was fabulous. The weather also cooperated. It rained at times, but that made it cooler so I was actually able to go down to the beach and walk a little bit (heat zaps me quickly). As you might suspect, we over ate on the wonderful seafood in a couple of their award winning restaurants.

We also began our new church year this past weekend. Sunday is called Gator Day because we welcome the college students back, public school starts, and well we live in Gainesville. It is a great day all day long. This year we ended with a concert by the Annie Moses Band. One person said, “They are good enough for Carnegie Hall. I have never heard anything like it.” As I sat there enjoying the unbelievable talent and the variety in the type of music—from funny to serious faith based music—my heart was captured by the lyrics of one of the songs. The vocalist kept describing how much it meant to her, “when my daddy says I’m beautiful.” Tears filled my eyes for a moment. You see my father left my mother when I was a very small baby and I never knew him. When I was in my early 30’s I found out where he lived, but he died before I could contact him. I did contact a member of the family and they agreed for our family to meet with them. It was an emotional and informative time. One of my most vivid visual memories is watching my half brother walk in the room. He was the same size, had the same general build, and exhibited the same mannerisms as my brother. The only difference is he has brown hair and brown eyes and my brother has blond hair and blue eyes. My father’s wife sent me several pictures of my father, but we have not had contact since.

As I listened to the song about daddy, I felt some sadness but I also thought how it prepared me in my response to life. You see God placed a wonderful grandfather in my life. My mother, brother, and I actually lived with my grandparents until a few months before my 10th birthday and I continued to ride the bus to their farm until I was older. We also spent Sunday afternoons and holidays there with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and any visiting preachers or evangelists. Although my grandfather could not replace my father totally he had a great influence in my life. He did not say I was beautiful but I know he thought it, I know he loved me, and he did tell me I could do anything I set my heart to do. I do remember times when things would happen that would remind me I did not have a father like the other kids, but almost all of my memories are of the happy times with my grandfather. Somehow God helped me focus on what I had, not what I did not have. That was such a good preparation for the hard times in life. The key is where we focus and through God’s grace I grew up with a focus on the positive.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice. . . Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:4, 8). Paul wrote these words from a jail cell in Philippi. I think he understood about the importance of where we focus our thoughts. We make that choice moment by moment. It is not always easy, but when we slip it needs to be an immediate refocus on the positive. I find that when I am upset and turn to God He refocuses me very quickly. If it is a circumstance He will point out the positives if I will just listen. If it is a person and I will just stop and pray for them, He will help me see them from a different perspective. We each carry a lot of hurt and in the process often hurt others—sometimes totally unintentionally. I want to be forgiven when I hurt others so I need to forgive them.

Thank you so much for praying for me and my family. I will update you as soon as possible about the results from next week’s markers.

Thank you so much for your prayers. We had a great trip to Little Rock. All tests showed stability of disease level and I am so grateful. However, due to persistent low blood counts and other side effects, the doctor decided to lower the dose of two of the chemo drugs. The hope is that these dosages will still keep the disease in check. I think they have given up on getting me back in remission, but I haven’t!

We got home from Little Rock about 9:00 Thursday evening. I had been aching and light headed all day but thought nothing of it since I deal with things like that off and on. I went to bed and was delirious all night. I could not wake myself up enough to call to Gary or get up and take my temperature. When I finally got cognizant about 7:00 am, I took my temperature and it was 101.7. I went to the doctor knowing I was in trouble and was entered into the hospital (notice, however, it was not a Thursday). Things got worse before they got better and Sunday afternoon I was having great difficulty breathing. The nurse contacted the doctor and he prescribed some new medications and added oxygen. I was better by the time Gary came from church Sunday evening. (Yes, I insisted he had to go. His message was important and as it turned out, the church family prayed for and loved on him and he needed that.) The problem was fluid around the heart and in each lung. The fever and tests also indicated infection. The first assumption was pneumonia but with additional tests the source of infection was unclear. My heart must pump better or this will be a chronic problem.

In the hospital I was given four different IV antibiotics, breathing treatments, oxygen, my regular medications, and other things. I was finally released Friday evening. One of the doctors was hesitant, but my oncologist felt it was okay and knew Gary was to leave Monday (7/20) for Brazil. The oncologist, his P.A., and the hospital nurses all worked to help me get out as easily and quickly as possible Friday evening. They all knew it was important for Gary to go and that he needed to see me home and doing better. They gave us a great gift by getting me home. I came home with infusers of IV antibiotics that I could administer myself and the necessary equipment and medications for the breathing treatments. Though I was weak, I have gained strength everyday. I have slept really well, have been able to eat more, and have been emotionally better off at home.

I was weaker after this eight day hospital stay than is usual for me so I have been taking it easier than usual. I am regaining strength everyday and hope to be back to “normal” soon. I may have shared with you from Sandy Lynam Clough’s book, And I Know He Watches Me. It was one of the books I read shortly after my diagnosis of multiple myeloma. In her battle with illness she writes, “I had arrived at a new ‘normal.’ My ‘normal’ had changed. It would change again and maybe again. But ‘normal’ now is the new situation I find myself in—circumstances I am powerless to change. . . There is Someone you can bring with you to this not-quite-comfortable new ‘normal.’ Someone who never changes.” Then she quotes Psalm 71:5-6 from the Amplified Bible, “For You are my hope; O Lord God, You are my trust from my youth and the source of my confidence. Upon You have I leaned and relied from birth; You are He Who took me from my mother’s womb and You have been my benefactor from that day.” If I find myself at another new “normal” as a result of the current issues related to my illness, it is faced with joy and anticipation because I know God has been with me since I was conceived and He will be with me in whatever “normal” I find myself.

Also, in speaking of courage, Sandy Clough said, “We can choose to live through the days before us, or we can choose not to live. Choosing not to live is cowardly.” I can’t imagine choosing not to live each day to its fullest. I know if God gives breath, He has a plan and purpose for me that day. And He promised, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). I know when He gives life, He is right there beside me helping me live it.

I had a follow-up visit with the oncologist Monday (7/20) and he was very pleased with the way I looked and the way my lungs sounded. My counts had recuperated enough that the decision was made to restart chemo. Though neither of us wanted to do so, I have been off for two weeks and cannot stay off the chemo for any length of time. It is always bittersweet to restart the chemo—I don’t like the chemo but am grateful to be well enough to take it.

Gary will be in Brazil until next Tuesday. Please pray for all that God is doing there and pray for Gary’s peace of mind in regard to me. I say over and over again that I don’t want my illness to rob him of the ministry God has called him to do. He is with me when I need him and would be with me any time I asked him. I have a family and a church family that will take care of anything I need while he is gone.

Thank you for your prayers and support and may God give you the courage to live this day to its fullest.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! I am so grateful to have been born in this country. Even with all our problems, we are still the greatest country on earth. We certainly owe a great debt to our founding fathers and those who followed for their commitment to freedom and faith.

June was an eventful month. After leaving the hospital on Tuesday (6/2) I saw my oncologist and got clearance for Gary and I to go on to the beach for a few days. I continued to be a little weak, but on Friday we decided I was better and we headed over to Ormond Beach. All of our children and grandchildren were going to be there on Saturday, some would be there Sunday, and some would be there the following Tuesday and Wednesday. We were really looking forward to time together and time with all of them.

I awakened during the night Friday night with AFIB. It was off and on for about two hours. During that time I prayed, “God please let me be able to be here this week. Please don’t let me mess things up for everyone. Let me at least be able to sit and watch them all as they talk and play.” As the day progressed on Saturday, I knew I was in trouble. I did not have the breath and strength to do much more than sit on the couch. I did take the elevator down to the beach and watch the children play for a while. I was glad that we had an ocean view so I could see everyone even when I was in the condo.

By the way, I did get rid of the wig. When Johanna (5 years old) saw me she started laughing. She said, “DiGi that’s the funniest thing I ever saw.” I have enjoyed the freedom of no wig but am still adjusting to seeing myself with short hair. I also wish I had prayed for more than the ability to sit on the couch and watch while we were at the beach. God gave me what I asked for. I have wondered if I should have asked for more. (I did enjoy a lot of good food during the week.)

Things did not get better with my heart through the week and I finally called the doctor on Thursday. On Friday we talked again and the decision was made to admit me to the hospital. I was having so much difficulty that I was nauseated and unable to walk even a few steps without feeling like I would pass out. We traveled home planning to unpack and then pack me a bag for the hospital. The doctor’s office called back and said they could not increase the dose of the new heart medication because of a negative response of my heart to the drug. They asked if I thought I could make it until Tuesday and let the doctor see me in the clinic. Things had settled down a little by that time so I told them I would try.

When I saw the doctor on Tuesday they pulled the memory from the pacemaker and found that there was a function in the pacemaker that had not been turned back on after one of the tests in the hospital. Every time I had gone into AFIB my heart would begin racing at 120-130 beats per minute because the bottom chambers of the heart would try to keep up with the upper chambers. This had been occurring for over half a day many of the days I was at the beach. It was like I was running a race almost every day and then I was exhausted in-between the “races.” The nurse looked at me and said, “You must have been feeling absolutely horrific.” That was a good description. I sat there thankful that my heart muscle was strong so I did not have a heart attack during those episodes. They checked the pacemaker carefully and reset it. The doctor asked if I wanted to continue to try the new medication because there was no way of knowing if it was working properly since the pacemaker was not working properly. The other options were to switch to a medication that is very toxic to the body or have a surgical procedure to cut a nerve from the atrium to the ventricle which would solve the problem but make me pacemaker dependent. I decided to give the current medication more time to work.

I left the office thinking about the previous week and the effect on our time at the beach created by the mistake with the pacemaker. For a moment I felt angry. Then I decided that I did not want to lose anymore time or energy over what was already done. Mistakes happen. No one is perfect. Instead of spending my time being angry I would be grateful that the solution to what had been happening was so simple and I would enjoy the day before me. Anger saps too much of our time and energy in life. In Ephesians Paul writes, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (4:26-27). God knows that keeping anger inside of us is not good for us. We need to deal with it quickly. Otherwise, the devil does gain a foothold on us. We become a prisoner to the anger. It takes our mental and emotional energy and we aren’t able to think about and do those things that are good and productive. The funny thing is that the person we are angry with usually doesn’t even know it and has gone on with their life. We are the one trapped in our anger. We need to forgive and move on. I know I make many mistakes and just pray that others will forgive me. Since I want forgiveness I must be willing to give it. It is ultimately the best thing for me.

The heart continued to struggle and have episodes of AFIB for the next two weeks. I think it had been through so much, and with all my chemo medications, it was just slow in recovering. This week I have finally begun to have more energy. The episodes of AFIB have been less so I am hoping the medication will now be able to work. I do not want to have to go to either of the options the cardiologist proposed.

I will be leaving Monday (7/6) for Little Rock and a few days of testing and evaluation. I have not sent any labwork since earlier in May but trust we will find cancer levels reduced or at least stable. The protocol that I have been on since the first of November has been somewhat difficult on the body. The original plan of the doctor’s was to leave me on it four months. When I was in Little Rock the first of March, they asked if I thought I could continue to handle the side effects since the disease was stable. I said yes. This last month the side effects have increased and become more difficult to deal with (but I am still able to enjoy life). That may be related to the poor heart function and the inability of the body to get the medications through the system and out of the body as quickly as had been happening before. I am not sure what the doctors will decide to do this time. I will undergo testing beginning at 5:30 am on Tuesday and then see the doctor on Thursday. I hope to return with good news and a protocol that will enable me to continue to be in Gainesville and active with family, friends, and church. Thank you for your prayers as we make this trip. We really appreciate and count on them.

I’m going to post this and go have hamburgers, corn on the cob, watermelon, cherry pie, homemade ice cream, and who knows what else. I hope you have a Happy Fourth!

Yes, it was another Thursday and another hospital admission. However, I still stand by my previous blog because I was not admitted the Thursday before that. After writing the previous blog, even before posting it, I realized the atrial fibrillation was again increasing. We left for D.C. early Wednesday morning and as the day progressed the AFIB, shortness of breath, swelling, and tendency to pass out increased. I called the cardiologist office on Thursday and we talked back and forth. We realized that by the time I got home they would be closed, so we decided if things got bad enough I would have to go to an ER in D.C. Things did not get better, but they also did not get worse. The conference itself was phenomenal and I was able to sit in conference sessions because I only needed to take the elevator down to them. I decided it was much better to sit there with my feet up than upstairs in my room.

We returned on Saturday and I was able to be in worship and Bible Study on Sunday. I saw the oncologist on Monday and needed another injection. If they had not arranged for me to have, and encouraged me to use, four injections while I was gone, I would have been seriously immune compromised by my return. As for the AFIB, I thought I might be a little better so decided to wait. On Thursday, the oncologist’s office encouraged me to call the cardiologist so I did. I knew prolonged AFIB could lead to heart damage or a stroke.

By the time the decision was made to hospitalize me, it was 5:00 pm so I needed to enter through Shand’s ER. As you know that can be a stressful and lengthy process. As He often seems to do, God placed individuals from our church family in my path. There was a doctor from our church who was working in the ER and helped speed things up and also saw to it that I got the needed private room. When I reached my room, the PCA was from my Bible study class and the next morning the charge nurse was a long time member and friend from our church. On Friday evening when they moved me from the oncology floor I was put on initially, down to the cardiology floor, the charge nurse was again a long time church member and friend. I do not believe these things happen by chance. I know they are an answer to the many prayers lifted up for me.

On Thursday night they connected me to a heart monitor and on Friday they ran a lot of tests. The heart showed up as strong, but AFIB was a daily occurrence in May and sometimes lasted over half a day. The constant, and sometimes lengthy AFIB, was extremely tiring. By the end of the day a decision was made to change the AFIB medications to a drug that required a three day hospital stay to monitor the heart’s response and to determine the effective dose. An additional concern in using this drug in my case is that it lowers blood pressure. I already take a medication three times a day to raise my blood pressure. The drug was administered Saturday morning and then stopped because of a negative EKG. They did some other things, retested, and then restarted the drug at a lower dose on Sunday morning. That dose was too low so the dose was raised Sunday evening. An EKG several hours after each dose indicated a continued tolerance of the drug. Additional tests were run on Tuesday morning and I was released just after noon. The biggest side effects I am currently experiencing from the drug are low energy and shortness of breath. Hopefully, these side effects will resolve with time.

By the way, the fingernails are continuing to come off, but the hair is growing little by little and it’s time to ditch the wig. The hair may be really short but there are too many fun water activities I want to do with grandchildren and the wig is a problem. As for the black eyes and bruises from low platelets I am trying to be more careful and wear a heavier make-up when necessary. I made the make-up decision after our 23 month old grandson was over one day and did not want to come to his DiGi (that’s the name our grandchildren call me—maybe I’ll share the story some day) because of my black eyes and other facial bruises.

One of the hardest things for me in this latest hospital stay was the fact that I could not be in worship on Sunday. I am thankful that our church has live streaming and the hospital wireless system was strong enough at that time for me to catch the morning service and the children’s musical that evening. This is great for people in the hospital or those shut in their homes due to illness. Yet, there is no substitute for being in the service. I agree with the writer of Hebrews, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (10:24-25). I receive so much encouragement by being in worship. There is no substitute for being in corporate worship, in Bible study, and among God’s people in general. I honestly do not know how people deal with life, and especially life in difficult times, without the “meeting together” God instituted. As you study His Word in both Old and New Testaments, this is obviously a reference to corporate worship. I love the illustration Bob Gass gave in his devotional, “God’s Word for You Today,” about geese flying in formation. I have heard it before but some points he made that touched me again were: flying in formation increases their flight range 71%; air waves as a bird flaps its wings provide an uplift for the next bird in formation, this uplift supports the bird and decreases its work load and conserves its energy; a goose out of formation gets heavy wings, becomes exhausted, loses altitude, and must return to the formation to survive. This is one of the reasons I believe Jesus said, “Look at the birds” (Matthew 6:26). We need each other for strength, as well as encouragement. I also hope my presence in worship and Bible study is an encouragement to someone else. In my current condition there are things I cannot do, but being in Bible study and worship is something I can do—and need to do.

Having been off the chemotherapy drugs since the hospital visit May 14th, the decision was made to restart them again Tuesday when I got home from the hospital. The lab work sent to Arkansas last week showed continued stability for which I am extremely grateful. There is still no reduction in disease level so we are all concerned that I continue the drugs when possible in order to keep the level suppressed.

I am thankful for the great medical care I am receiving, the ministry opportunities provided even in the hospital stays, the continued ability to be with family and church family, and a quality of life beyond what I could have imagined with the aggressiveness of the disease and the prolonged treatment. God is so good!

Well, I’ve teased about the Thursday curse in my life. It happened again. I had a tenth hospital visit (beginning with one in January 08) and they have all been on Thursdays. As I mentioned in my last blog, the cardiologist lowered the dose of the medication that controls atrial fibrillation to see if a lower dose would control the problem. Unfortunately, the atrial fibrillation has increased in frequency and duration as the weeks passed. Two of the chemo medications I take produce a lot of fluid retention. With the heart not working properly the fluid built up and the heart could not function well enough to pump it out. The week before the hospitalization, I was short of breath and knew something needed to be done, but I kept thinking the medications would stop producing so much fluid or the heart would begin to function correctly.

By last Thursday I was having difficulty breathing and walking. When I went in for blood counts my oncologist nurse immediately put me in a room and the doctor saw me. He called a cardiologist and the two of them decided I needed to be hospitalized. They ran a lot of tests and determined there was a little fluid around the heart and in the right lung and the left lung had a moderate amount of fluid. The pacemaker memory showed 17 episodes of atrial fibrillation in the last 23 days, several 3-5 hours in duration. They gave me medications to get rid of the fluid. I lost 17 pounds in 36 hours, but I do not recommend that weight loss program. The atrial fibrillation medication dose was raised and I was dismissed Saturday afternoon. The heart is adjusting and I have had episodes the last three days, but they have not been long and seem to be decreasing in strength and length.

As I was thinking about the “Thursday curse,” God brought a thought to my mind. There have been over 70 Thursdays since the first of January 08 and I have only been hospitalized 11 (one was long) Thursdays. That means I have had over 60 Thursdays that I was not in the hospital. Most of those hospitalizations were only 3-4 days. I think all the Thursdays I was not in the hospital and the shortness of the stays is something for which I can be thankful! As the Psalmist says, “Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put you hope in God for I will yet praise him my Savior and my God” (Psalm 43:4-5). Why would I be downcast about the few days in a year and a half that I have been in the hospital? I just need to go to God and He will give me great joy no matter where I am. I have so much for which I am grateful. After all, I am still here and have a wonderful quality of life.

Gary and I leave for a conference in Washington D.C. tomorrow. As always counts are low and I am appreciative of a doctor who gives me the necessary injections and pills to take with me. I am also grateful to be going with greater energy than I have experienced in weeks. The doctors have also stopped my chemo medications for the week to give my body a break. I am excited to be going with Gary and about the conference. I am concerned about our nation and pray for her leadership. We will be interacting with some congressional leaders and gaining insights about the Washington culture. We will hear several speakers and one I really look forward to hearing is Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham’s daughter). After my diagnosis in 2000, I read her book, Just Give Me Jesus, and found it insightful, encouraging, and inspirational. Since then I have read other of her books. We plan to be back on Saturday and look forward to a fantastic day of worship at Westside on Sunday.

The last three weeks have been filled with many wonderful things. Because of the questionable level of one of the markers in March, I have sent lab work to Little Rock every two weeks in April. Praise God, even though the one marker is still a little high nothing else has moved up. I will not send another marker until the end of this month and will not need to return to Little Rock until July.

The side effects of the medications are no longer getting worse so I have had a better time in that regard the past three weeks. One of the things that really helps manage the side effects is exercise. I learned back in 2000 that exercise seems to work the by products (or something) through my system more quickly and helps reduce the negative effects of the medications. That fact has been substantiated in the last year and a half as my lung and heart problems interfered with consistent exercise and I experienced more side effects. The last three weeks I have been able to get more exercise and that has really helped keep side effects from increasing. I have had a lot of stomach pain the last four days and will undergo some tests tomorrow. Hopefully, I have just had a virus.

When I saw the cardiologist Tuesday of last week she released me to go back to “normal” activity. It is so good not to have to worry about injuring the surgery site by certain movements or lifting. She did say I was on too high a dose of one of the atrial fibrillation medications to remain on it permanently. Because I will take it for life she reduced the dose. My heart was not happy. I dealt with a lot of atrial fibrillations Thursday through Sunday morning of last week and am still having difficulty at times. Thank goodness the heart is gradually adjusting. I have been reminded just how weak I was those months before the surgery and appropriate medications. I am so grateful to have regained much of my energy.

Sometimes people tell me that I say I am well regardless of how I feel. Actually, when pressed I will briefly share difficulties that I may be experiencing, but I feel that to do more is complaining and that just makes me feel worse. It focuses my attention on the problem instead of the good things around me. I also believe that it is negative to our health. In Proverbs we read, “A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body” (14:30 AMP). Complaining is also disobedient to the God who made us and loves us. We are told in Philippians, “Do everything thing without complaining or arguing” (2:14). God knows it is not best for us to complain.

I fully believe Psalm 146:5, “Blessed (Happy) is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the lord his God.” As F.B. Meyer said, “The education of our faith is incomplete until we learn that God’s providence works through loss. . . that there’s a ministry to us through the failure and fading of things. The dwindling brook where Elijah sat is a picture of our lives! ‘Some time later the brook dried up’ (I Kings 17:7 NIV) is the history of our yesterdays and a prophecy of our tomorrows. . . learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may last for a season but the Giver is eternal. If the Lord had led Elijah directly to the widow at Zarephath, he’d have missed something that helped make him a better man—living by faith. Whenever our earthly resources dry up it’s so we may learn that our hope and help are in God.” I have always been a happy person, but there is a sense in which I am even happier today than I was before the illness occurred. Through the illness I have seen God work in so many ways and have learned to trust Him more and rest more in His perfect love for me. As Ruth Myers says, “I praise You that the things that happened in my past, both enjoyable and painful, are raw materials for blessings, both in my life and in the lives of others” (31 Days of Praise). My prayer is that others will be blessed as I travel this journey. I certainly have been!

Happy Easter! This is such a glorious time of the year. I am grateful to God for sending His Son and grateful to Jesus for being willing to die for me. It is so appropriate that we celebrate Easter in the Spring when the earth around us seems to be coming to life. It’s as if creation is reminding us that we can have a new life in Christ.

Last Monday (3/30) I mailed lab work to Little Rock. I put in my usual email request on Thursday for lab results. No response. I requested results again Friday morning, through a different source on Friday afternoon, and still no response. I requested results again on Monday and still no response. When I still had not heard on Tuesday morning I began to wonder if something was wrong. The last time I had a lack of response like this it was because the results were bad and the nurse was waiting to hear from the doctor on what he wanted to do about my treatment. I also knew my doctor consulted with other doctors every Tuesday morning regarding difficult cases and I am certainly one of those.

As I went through the day on Tuesday, the probability of bad results stayed in the back of my mind. Though the temptation was there to be fearful and anxious, I made the decision to trust God and to remind myself He was in control. I began to mentally think through the upcoming months and things that may need to be changed if I had to return to Little Rock for treatment. “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). I was amazed that though the possibility of bad results was there, peace permeated my thinking. I thank God that He truly does give us peace in all circumstances.

I finally called the center late Tuesday afternoon. A very apologetic nurse returned my call within the hour. She thought she had sent the results, wondered why I continued to ask for them, and then looking in her “sent folder” after I called realized she had not sent them. The markers are essentially the same as last month. There is one that bounced up but it is one that goes up and down more than the others and probably is nothing to be concerned about. I will send more lab work next Monday instead of waiting until the end of the month. This will allow them to see if this marker is back down and make sure that nothing else is going up.

The side effects of the medications are increasing some, but still nothing that interferes with my ability to function. It is all superficial. For example, platelet counts are down causing increased bruising so I sometimes look like I have been in a fight, fingernails continue to break, abdominal swelling is increasing, sores are developing in the mouth, and incoming hair may be thinning. None of these are really important relative to life. What they do is remind me that the important aspects of life are not physical—it is the inside, not the outside, that matters. I pray that the inside of me will become more beautiful with age, regardless of what happens on the outside. A Psalm that was especially important to me during the treatments in 2000 has been echoing in my brain these last few days. “Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me” (Psalm 63:7-8). As always, if I focus on Him and all the wonderful things in this life, life is good and beautiful.

Jesus kept His focus on God’s purpose for His life to the end. As a result my life is changed. My prayer for myself this Easter is that I will keep my focus on God’s purpose for my life and thus help change the life of another. May you have a blessed Resurrection Sunday!

Gary and I had an absolutely wonderful vacation in the mountains last week. The protocol I started in April of 2007 and the many hospital stays in 2008 made it impossible to be away from doctor’s offices more than three or four days at a time these last two years. Since many of the issues I have dealt with are stable and my oncologist was willing to be creative in ways to deal with labwork and medications, we were finally able to be gone for eight days! We spent our time talking, reading, walking, resting, and enjoying the beauty of God’s world around us. The ornamental pear trees and cherry trees were especially breath taking. I know such times are beneficial to physical healing.

In addition to the other books I read, I enjoyed the opportunity to catch up in a daily devotional book that I had not purchased until mid February. The book is, A Year with C. S. Lewis. It is a compilation of excerpts from several of his classical works. At one point he states, “For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.” Understanding how devastating and deadly cancer is to the physical body, the term “spiritual cancer” caught my attention. I definitely don’t want to damage whatever love, contentment, and common sense I have. He also writes, “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, cleverer, or better-looking than others. . . It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.” I could not help but wonder if I am proud at times and do not even realize it. Do I ever take the strength and grace God has given me to deal with my pain and uncertainty and wonder why some else is not dealing with theirs as well as I am at that particular moment? That’s not loving. I’ve never thought I was guilty of this, but do those thoughts ever come? I hope not. That would be pride and a slap in the face of a loving God. Or, is the comparison with myself? Do I let pride about a past accomplishment keep me from doing something today because in the past I did it “better?” That steals contentment with who I am now. It is so easy to deceive ourselves about our thoughts and motives in all areas of our lives.

Lewis also writes, “As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” This certainly helps explain why God says, “I hate pride and arrogance” (Proverbs 8:13) and “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Lewis feels that pride is the root of all other sin. That sure seems to be in keeping with scripture. I need to be more attentive to pride and its presence in my life. I know to be sensitive to pride in me I must spend time looking up to the One that designed and created me. He is the only one that can help me see clearly. I must begin the day with Him and keep looking up all day long!

As usual, I had my Monday morning trip to the doctor’s office today. Most labwork looked okay, but in spite of the shots I took while I was gone, I needed a shot to boost the immune system. I will be sending labwork to Arkansas next week to determine if cancer markers are still stable. I am praying they stay stable, or decrease, and I am praying the labwork each week will indicate I can continue the current protocol. Medication side effects do not seem to be getting worse and that is wonderful. I am grateful for each new day and the physical strength to enjoy it.

I returned from Little Rock yesterday with great news. All of the tests indicated that the level of myeloma is the same as it was in November. I would like to have been in remission, but this is the next best thing. Though the treatment has not lowered the cancer level, it has kept it from increasing. The decision was made to continue the same treatment as long as the body will allow and return in July for another evaluation. I will continue to mail labwork each month to monitor what is happening.

Some have asked about the side of effects of the three chemotherapy drugs I am taking. I don’t spend my time focused there but will share a little of my perspective. Obviously, I have no idea of long term side effects but know some of the day by day ones. One major side effect is the lowering of the white blood count which affects the ability of the immune system to fight infection and the lowering of the red blood count which results in anemia. The doctor in Arkansas was surprised at how well my blood counts have held up across the past four months. When the white and red counts get too low, I do feel more tired but there are shots that bring them back up again. Another major side effect of two of the drugs is neuropathy in feet, hands, and legs. Though I deal with neuropathy, I have not had difficulty walking or a tendency to fall as many do and it is manageable with medication. Nausea sometimes occurs, but, believe it or not, ice cream often helps. I usually have difficulty sleeping two or three nights a week, but that gives additional time for focused prayer. There doesn't seem to be any interruptions during that time. Though I lost my hair, it seems to be slowly growing back and wigs are wonderful things. My nails are breaking and slowly coming off, but they will return if I change treatment. And after all, I still have my fingers to use and that is a lot more important than pretty nails. With the addition of some over the counter medications, the abdominal area is still somewhat uncomfortable, but I am able to eat about anything—including dark chocolate. The tendency to bruise around my eyes just gives me an opportunity to give Gary a hard time. Sometimes my feet and legs become very swollen, but they don’t hurt and I can still “run” and play with our grandchildren. My eyes get blurry enough sometimes that I have difficulty reading, but I saw the most beautiful sunset and gorgeous sky tonight.

Gary and I were sitting on our back porch at lunch today talking about how everything in life is a matter of perspective. I truly believe that. When we are focused on God, our perspective is one of gratitude for each day He gives us. We know, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). We also know Paul was right, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (II Corinthians 4:17). Our trials and tribulations here are so insignificant in light of eternity.

I would never equate my life with that of Job, but what I read in “God’s Word for You Today” expresses what I hope my response will always be to my situation. “’You have heard of the perseverance of Job,’ (James 5:11 NKJV). There are four faces of the man of God in the book of Ezekiel: a lion, an eagle, a man, and an ox. The last face, the ox, speaks of perseverance. The ox is a plodder. He will plow from sunup till sundown. Put him in a stall, feed him, and next day he’ll plow and plod until the task is complete. He refuses to quit. Look at Job, attending the funeral of his ten children, losing his wealth, and his health, listening to a wife with a tongue sharp enough to clip a hedge. Yet despite all her dour words he didn’t quit. Learn from him! ‘You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord.’ Job focused on the end-goal, not the immediate circumstance. Our problem is, we want it all now. A billboard reads, ‘Antiques manufactured while you wait.’ Life doesn’t work that way!”

My prayer is that I will faithfully continue to serve Him and live in His will with an attitude of joy and gratitude until He takes me home. I can’t wait to see what wonderful things He has in store for me each new day He gives me! I look forward to worshipping and praising Him at Westside tomorrow and celebrating my brother’s and my son’s birthdays. (By the way, I was able to sing with the ensemble last Sunday. That was a very special gift to me and I hope to others.)

My intent each day this week was to update the blog. Monday and Tuesday were full of appointments so it didn’t happen. I began Wednesday with a breakfast meeting with a group of wonderful women. We met to evaluate the January Retreat and discuss plans for our quarterly breakfast in April. I had other commitments and errands after the meeting so I was out until I went to dinner and responsibilities at church that evening.

By the time choir and ensemble rehearsals came about, I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what I was dealing with. When I got home I was having very hard chills so I wrapped up in a blanket and sipped on decaf coffee just trying to get warm. During the night I almost seemed delirious but could not wake up enough to take my temperature. I went to the doctor for my usual Thursday labwork. They took one look at me and sent me for a chest X-ray. They said if there was any sign of pneumonia I would have to go in the hospital. Got the picture? It is Thursday and the ensemble I sing with is scheduled to sing Sunday morning. That combination has resulted in a hospital stay every time. As I sat waiting for the chest X-ray I remembered what I said to the ensemble members Wednesday night, “Pray for me, but God already knows what is going to happen Sunday and He is in control.” I take such comfort knowing that what ever happens He allows it and will work it for the best in my life and the life of others.

I am grateful that it was only bronchitis and not pneumonia. I spent the morning at the doctor’s office getting IV antibiotics. I had a book to read and material to work on, but for the first time in a long time I just pushed back and rested during the infusion. Afterwards I ran several errands, went home for a late lunch, leaned back in a recliner and “vegetated” for a couple of hours, and then began work on our income tax return (one of my least favorite things in the whole world). As daylight was passing I looked outside and felt sad that I had not taken the time to praise God for an absolutely gorgeous day. I know He understood, but I wanted to thank and praise Him as images of the beautiful day and His care of me came to my mind.

Friday morning it was back to the doctor’s office for labwork and more IV antibiotics. They were concerned that my blood counts had dropped significantly from the day before so I received shots and was sent home with several prescriptions to help me through the weekend. They felt part of the reason I contracted the illness was the low blood counts the previous weekend. The shot I received on Monday was evidently too late.

I am definitely better today and am trying to complete some things before leaving for Little Rock early Monday morning. I will be in testing out there all day Tuesday. The only painful test, and the most important one, is the bone marrow biopsy. This will be the 28th or 29th biopsy since my diagnosis in 1999. Wednesday is reserved for any tests or labwork generated by Tuesday’s tests. I am scheduled to see the doctor at noon on Thursday for evaluation and the treatment plan. Our daughter-in-law, Tina, and our 20 month old grandson, Lachlan, will accompany me on this trip. We are looking forward to some extended time together. I am excited to get this time with them. I will also see people who have become friends over the last nine years. Little Rock trips always have many positives in the midst of the tests and concerns.

During the IV antibiotic infusion at the doctor’s office on Friday, I read and looked over a list of some of the books I read during those first couple of years of illness. What jumped out at me was that most of them were about prayer. God definitely was guiding my reading. There is no better discipline to help us keep a proper perspective in life. The writers of the books I read helped inspire me by their writing and their example. Paul wrote, “Join others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you” (Philippians 3:17). And, “You became imitators of us and of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia. The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere” (I Thessalonians 1:6-8a). The writers of the books I read helped to guide my focus and enable me to write things like this in a journal, “Father, Help me follow your plan completely. I don’t want to miss my relationship with You or anything You may want to do through me. . . As I travel to Arkansas and to and from places here in Gainesville, please help me be sensitive to needs around me and use me to help meet those needs. You are so good to me! Thank You” (5/12-13/2000). As Paul reminds us, we are examples to others. How does our life encourage them to live?

Here are four of those books. I will share more at another time:
• Power in Praise by M.R. Carothers. He defines praise, gives practical uses of praise, extols the good things as a result of praise, and shares many illustrations of miracles brought about by praise.
• Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home by R.J. Foster. He speaks of prayer inward to Jesus as Savior and Teacher, upward to the Father as sovereign King and Eternal love, and outward to the Holy Spirit as Empowerer and Evangelist. We catch a glimpse of the heart of God and the “at homeness” we can feel in His presence.
• The Great House of God by M. Lucado. He uses the analogy of rooms in a house to teach principles from the Lord’s Prayer. Examples include the living room (when your heart needs a Father), the study (how God reveals His will), the furnace (because someone prayed), the roof (beneath God’s grace), and others. “’Then why,’ you might ask, ‘don’t more people feel protected, forgiven, or instructed?’ My answer is as simple as the question is direct. Most have not learned to dwell in the house. Oh, we visit it. We stop in for the day or even drop by for a meal. But abide here? This is God’s desire” (p. 173).
• Whole Prayer by W. Wangerin. This book deals with four important aspects of prayer: we speak, God listens, God speaks, and we listen. He gives practical ways to expand each of these areas. I think we often get stuck in the first area.

I will post an update when I return from Little Rock. I go with confidence and encouragement because of your prayers and the knowledge that God is in control regardless of results.

Happy Valentine’s Day! In the midst of very busy lives, Gary and I decided what we wanted for Valentine’s Day was just to be at home with each other. We spent the morning finishing preparations for preaching and teaching tomorrow and then just enjoyed being together in the afternoon and evening. He is my very special Valentine.

The last ten days have continued to be good in regard to the heart. I have continued to have energy that has enabled me to participate in more things and play more with grandchildren when I am keeping them. I have been dealing with some digestive issues since the first week in December, but that took a back seat to all the issues with the heart. Doctors are now addressing that but feel it is a result of all the medications I take. The comment of the digestive disease specialist after looking over the list of medications was that he was surprised I did not have more problems. I agree and though uncomfortable it is a livable situation. I am grateful that side effects are as little as they are. I sent blood work to Little Rock again this week but have not heard the results yet. I am sure the markers continue to be stable or decreasing.

I was asked this week if I would share some of the books and other things that helped me during that first year when I was diagnosed, had a lot of high dose chemotherapy, and had two stem cell transplants. I cannot begin to address every thing but will share some over the next few weeks as I write on the blog. I feel one of the most important things about any severe or terminal medical diagnosis is that we do not blame God. We live in a fallen world and disease is part of it. We also must not demand that He heal us. He sacrificed His Son for us so He understands loss. If He chooses not to step in and perform a miracle we need to accept His will and realize we cannot understand why. We do not have His perspective and we do not know what is best. If He always heals then no one would ever die. At what age are we willing to let our loved ones go? We can’t live forever on this earth.

I was asked if I was mad at God and my response was “certainly not.” Do we just love Him when we perceive He is good to us? What kind of love is that? As I said to our son John on my 50th birthday, “If I died tomorrow, God has blessed me with a wonderful life. I could not ask for more.” The next month I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. My statement to John remained true.

What are some ways I dealt with those early months and years? First, I spent more time in prayer than ever before—not prayer for healing, but prayer focused on Him, His will, and others. I stayed focused on Him. The Psalms and many other scriptures became very important to me. One scripture was Deuteronomy 33:27, “The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms.” During hard times and painful testing I simply “crawled up into the lap of God, felt His arms around me and rested in Him”—just like I did with my grandfather when I was a child. To help me stay focused on Him I read a lot of praise scriptures and books that friends gave me. One of the first books I read was Phillip Yancey’s, Where Is God When It Hurts. I read it mainly to be able to better help people who were struggling with my illness, their own illness, or the illness of a loved one. I have recommended it many times since to those struggling in this area.

Another one of the books I read was 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers. In this book Myers takes scriptures and weaves them into prayers of thanksgiving and praise and gives you the scripture references. She states part of her purpose in the book, “meets you where you are in the midst of your pain and turmoil and enables you to see these things from a perspective that is true.” I have read it many times over the last nine years. Another book given to me was And I know He Watches Me by Sandy Lynam Clough. She records part of her struggle as an artist who loses her sight. She listed many scriptures that I found very uplifting and helpful. She also expressed some things in ways that helped me understand some of my own feelings. For example, her simple statement of waking up one morning and realizing that we often talk about when things get back to normal but, “I had arrived at a new ‘normal.’ My ‘normal’ had changed. It would change again and maybe again. But ‘normal’ now is the new situation I find myself in—circumstances I am powerless to change.” Realizations like that help focus us on the present and future instead of wasting energy wishing for the past that is forever gone. Life is different. That does not mean it is bad. I have awakened to many new “normals” these last few years, but God has been right there in each of them enabling me to live with joy and anticipation.

I will share other books with you in the future. As we read in Philippians 4:8-9, it really is important what we focus our thoughts on—they control what we feel and who we become. As we focus on Him and His Word, we become more like Him.