Freda Update

Happy Valentine’s Day! In the midst of very busy lives, Gary and I decided what we wanted for Valentine’s Day was just to be at home with each other. We spent the morning finishing preparations for preaching and teaching tomorrow and then just enjoyed being together in the afternoon and evening. He is my very special Valentine.

The last ten days have continued to be good in regard to the heart. I have continued to have energy that has enabled me to participate in more things and play more with grandchildren when I am keeping them. I have been dealing with some digestive issues since the first week in December, but that took a back seat to all the issues with the heart. Doctors are now addressing that but feel it is a result of all the medications I take. The comment of the digestive disease specialist after looking over the list of medications was that he was surprised I did not have more problems. I agree and though uncomfortable it is a livable situation. I am grateful that side effects are as little as they are. I sent blood work to Little Rock again this week but have not heard the results yet. I am sure the markers continue to be stable or decreasing.

I was asked this week if I would share some of the books and other things that helped me during that first year when I was diagnosed, had a lot of high dose chemotherapy, and had two stem cell transplants. I cannot begin to address every thing but will share some over the next few weeks as I write on the blog. I feel one of the most important things about any severe or terminal medical diagnosis is that we do not blame God. We live in a fallen world and disease is part of it. We also must not demand that He heal us. He sacrificed His Son for us so He understands loss. If He chooses not to step in and perform a miracle we need to accept His will and realize we cannot understand why. We do not have His perspective and we do not know what is best. If He always heals then no one would ever die. At what age are we willing to let our loved ones go? We can’t live forever on this earth.

I was asked if I was mad at God and my response was “certainly not.” Do we just love Him when we perceive He is good to us? What kind of love is that? As I said to our son John on my 50th birthday, “If I died tomorrow, God has blessed me with a wonderful life. I could not ask for more.” The next month I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. My statement to John remained true.

What are some ways I dealt with those early months and years? First, I spent more time in prayer than ever before—not prayer for healing, but prayer focused on Him, His will, and others. I stayed focused on Him. The Psalms and many other scriptures became very important to me. One scripture was Deuteronomy 33:27, “The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms.” During hard times and painful testing I simply “crawled up into the lap of God, felt His arms around me and rested in Him”—just like I did with my grandfather when I was a child. To help me stay focused on Him I read a lot of praise scriptures and books that friends gave me. One of the first books I read was Phillip Yancey’s, Where Is God When It Hurts. I read it mainly to be able to better help people who were struggling with my illness, their own illness, or the illness of a loved one. I have recommended it many times since to those struggling in this area.

Another one of the books I read was 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers. In this book Myers takes scriptures and weaves them into prayers of thanksgiving and praise and gives you the scripture references. She states part of her purpose in the book, “meets you where you are in the midst of your pain and turmoil and enables you to see these things from a perspective that is true.” I have read it many times over the last nine years. Another book given to me was And I know He Watches Me by Sandy Lynam Clough. She records part of her struggle as an artist who loses her sight. She listed many scriptures that I found very uplifting and helpful. She also expressed some things in ways that helped me understand some of my own feelings. For example, her simple statement of waking up one morning and realizing that we often talk about when things get back to normal but, “I had arrived at a new ‘normal.’ My ‘normal’ had changed. It would change again and maybe again. But ‘normal’ now is the new situation I find myself in—circumstances I am powerless to change.” Realizations like that help focus us on the present and future instead of wasting energy wishing for the past that is forever gone. Life is different. That does not mean it is bad. I have awakened to many new “normals” these last few years, but God has been right there in each of them enabling me to live with joy and anticipation.

I will share other books with you in the future. As we read in Philippians 4:8-9, it really is important what we focus our thoughts on—they control what we feel and who we become. As we focus on Him and His Word, we become more like Him.